To make peace with oneself, with our thoughts and our decisions, is often a difficult task. Often times it is even more difficult than making peace with others. In this raw and relatable guest post, Jenn from CrippledGirl.com talks about a choice that she made which has, in hindsight, given her the opportunity to do both. Here is Jenn’s story:
The last time I wrote a guest post, I opened my heart about troubles in my family and said the things no one wanted to hear about drama everyone wanted to pretend wasn’t happening.
The result of that post going live has had pros and cons. I was overwhelmed by support and kindness from readers, but the words were a sharp knife in family ties. In the seven months since that post was published, my brother and his fiancé have not spoken to me.
Unfortunately, even without actual contact with each other, the drama has somehow managed to continue. And I won’t even try to pretend to be a victim in the situation; all parties involved are responsible for the blame.
I have run the gamut of emotions, trying to take in all that’s been said and everyone that’s been hurt through the mess. I feel guilty that my mother and younger sister find themselves in the middle; angry that peace offerings have gone unacknowledged; embarrassed that some of the things they said were things I really needed to work on; sad for conversations about how to navigate holidays, weddings, and birthdays without upsetting anyone.
There are moments when I ask myself why I even wrote the post in the first place. Would it have been easier to just deal with it silently, privately? Pretend it never happened and force a smile for the sake of keeping the lid on hot water that’s been threatening to boil over for years?
But the truth is, if I had stayed silent, I would still be angry. Like most writers, I believe there is a kind of magic that flows from the pressure of a pen against paper, or the soothing melody of keys clicking. I was writing out feelings I wasn’t allowed to say in real life. It was exactly the type of therapy I needed.
At this point, I have found a sort of peace with the scenario. As often as I wonder if I should have acted differently, I cannot change the things that have already occurred. I can only make peace with the knowledge that in the end, I stood up for myself. Not everyone has to like me, even if they are family. I have a life full of people, online and in “real” life, who love me for the crazy, chaotic, emotional mess that I am. At the end of the day, the only person who has to be happy with the choices I make is me.
Learning that being happy with myself is so much more important than making anyone else happy is how I found my marbles.
Jenn is a freelance writer, content strategist, and social media coordinator, writing about the ups and downs of marriage, infertility, and disability on her blog, CrippledGirl. She resides in rural Pennsylvania with her husband Ben and a small zoo of fur babies, and spends way too much time on Facebook and Twitter.