Last June when I was at Type A Parent Conference I was the heaviest I had ever been. While I enjoyed the conference immensely I was physically uncomfortable in my skin. I vowed that I would not head back to Type A this year at that weight.
Well, I am definitely not heading back to Type A this year at the same weight. Instead I am heavier, more uncomfortable in my skin and more disappointed in myself than ever.
Not only is it the way I feel about myself either. Now it’s also the way people are looking at me. This is not a secret I can keep inside any longer. They can see it… and I can see them seeing it.
Like many women, I have body image issues. So what did I do when I realized that I broke my promise to myself in a huge way? I figured it wasn’t worth even trying anymore and ate every freaking thing I could find. Seriously. What I have consumed in the last 24 hours is actually sickening. And therein lies my real problem. I self-sabotage. Apparently while my body has been hitting the gym almost every morning at 6:30 my brain never got the memo.
Do you see that lady up there, the one who just got back from a workout and is sneaking chocolates? Yeah. I know her well.
I don’t know exactly when this began, but it’s happening with alarming frequency. I used to be such an incredibly disciplined person and I have no idea how, when or why the self-sabotage has taken over. Maybe at some level I don’t believe that I deserve to reach my weight loss goal. Who knows? Right now I just feel like a huge failure.
Part of me can’t wait to get away this week while the other part wants to crawl into a hole with a box of Oreos. Now there’s self-sabotage at its finest, solving my body image issues by shoveling more high fructose corn syrup down my throat. What a vicious cycle.
Well, Type A is here and apparently there is no way to reach my goal weight in three days, nor can I even get back to last year’s weight in that time. So I am vowing to love myself enough to give myself a break this week. Next week I’ll work on making sure that my brain gets the memo.